Biggest Carrot.

I lay for centuries, recovering from old age, and up I spring!
Calculus-spewing owls screech their derivatives during a lunch break;
I duck to avoid their avian attache cases with my taxes done.

I run under Einstein's umbrella, and for another dime, I could be anywhere.
I save up, and now I'm pissing away my worries and cares,
An Arctic team of penguins takes notes.

I visit Portland, Oregon and steal a few library books for my collection.
When a taxi offers a free ride to Norway, I just can't say no!
My arthritic toes can't stop my disco-dancing.
The liters of vodka only encourage my worst habits.

Rather than marry my darling in a tub, I start an ant farm and live
inside for weeks at a time. I come out for my funeral, for some cake,
and start my PhD at Harvard Medicine.

A reunion brings us to an unfamiliar hill, but someone's making lobster tails.
Hug the soccer moms, send them to their own Heaven.
I construct a commercial 747 and overcharge the customers.

I build a bridge from my kitchen to wherever you are.
After dessert, I have to skydive with a few enemies,
and we agree to disagree. Everyone involved got a carrot,

and mine was the biggest. Anyway,
Lights, camera, action, Cecil.